My dear friends, I have reached spiritual enlightenment. The ways of the world came upon me as I was packing up for my biology class the other day (we were studying protists, so I didn't need to focus). I opened up my binder, and I just started drawing. My hands just drew away and it all made perfect sense to me, to the point where I had to tell the world, or at least part of it, how we all came into existence.
Picture nothingness. Not hard right? It's like you are laying in bed in the darkness of night. Only...you don't have a bed. And you aren't there. And your room doesn't exist. And it's not night, because night doesn't exist. And the darkness isn't darkness, it's nothingness. Get it? Good. See the nothingness? Of course you don't. Because you don't exist, and the nothing doesn't exist...because it's nothing. But then, you, although you don't exist, see a Giant Bunny. And the Bunny evolved from a speck of...dust...because...it's a Giant DUST Bunny. So, since it is a Giant Dust Bunny, it is allergic to itself. And so, it inevitably sneezes. When it sneezes, a great phenomena occurred. It didn't sneeze like normal bunnies do, because it is a Giant Dust Bunny, so when it sneezed a number of things came into the nothingness. Two types of gasses to start with, a big block of ice, a large fire, and thousands of little blocks that seemed like they needed to be activated. And then...the Giant Dust Bunny left the things floating in the nothingness, that was now more like a void for misfit things.
Now, over the course of millions of years, the gasses slowly drifted toward each other, losing potency along the way. So it was like this: driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiift....lose some of the gas....driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiift....lose some of the gas...ect. For MILLIONS of years. So now, very little gas is left in the two clumps right? And then they collide. What happens next? If you said "BIG BANG" you guessed right. Only...it was more like a little bang. That wasn't exactly a bang. They collided and created a giant mass of lava. This grew and grew as it ate the nothingness. As it grew, the outer edges hardened and then softened, and then broke up into soil. Now, as it was a BIG BANG, it couldn't rightly form a perfect ball, right? SO it was all warped and had these massive holes, bumps, and canyons carved into it. When the Giant Dust Bunny saw this, he thought "my sneezes make miraculous things" and thus he went back into hibernation.
Now, over the next few trillion years the big block of ice and the large fire had been floating around. But then they saw each other. It was love at fire sight. Fire and Ice were determined to be together so they floated toward each other at an alarming speed of 1MPY (meter per year). It took them 20,000 years to collide. Do you know what this was called by the Giant Dust Bunny? If you guessed the "Major Meltdown" you we correct a second time. The fire floated up and hugged the ice, completely enveloping it. This melted the ices heart...and...y'know...everything about the ice. As the water fell because of gravity (the Giant Dust Bunny never did figure out what part of his sneeze came up with THAT ridiculous invention), the fire swooshed down and tried to catch its love. This failed, however, as the melted ice, which legally changed its name to "water," extinguished the fire. The water then crashed down upon the land and filled it's every crevice. Here it has stayed forever more, trying to drown the sorrows of its lost love away. This made the Giant Dust Bunny sad–not to mention wet–and so he again went away.
Not too long after the Major Meltdown–about 83,000,000 years–came the deciding factor of our universe. You see, as the original two gases drifted toward each other and left so much of themselves behind, those gases evolved. Through the years, the gasses slowly started to drift together again. This is the big one. Do you know what the Giant Dust Bunny named THIS event? If you guessed "BIG BANG PART TWO" you are sort of right. He tried that, but decided to was too long, so he changed the name to the "Cosmic Collision." The Cosmic Collision was by far the most violent occurrence, as well as the most impacting. As the gasses game together, they erupted into flames (yes, the water was very excited). But the force of the Cosmic Collision was so powerful that the flames scattered all over the sky, thus creating tiny balls of fire and gas that named themselves "stars." Now, some of the stars were very close together and became lonely. So they made a pact and squished back together into one giant star, and called themselves the sun.
The Cosmic Collision is the only phenomena that had a consequince. So you remember the thousands of little unactivated blocks? Here is where they came into play. See, two of them had drifted down and landed on the earth. These two noticed the sun the first, and were immediately activated. Upon activation, they expanded into two humans, a man and a woman, fully clothed (because the Giant Dust Bunny had very modest sneezes). They were...blessed(?) with being able to watch the rest of the activations. The closest blocks to earth activated and expanded into cats and dogs and all members of those families (such as tigers, foxes, wolves, and panthers). This, dearies, is where the phrase "raining cats and dogs" came from. The animals fell and landed on the earth and immediately began frolicking in the newly activated grass (little blocks that were so tiny they were like specks that had covered the earth). Then the other various animals and critters were activated and came plummeting to the earth, creating fish, mammals, reptiles, trees, and the sorts. Also activated by the sun's rays, were the other giant blocks that expanded into planets that have ever since played a sluggish game of tag...with themselves.
The Giant Dust Bunny saw what his sneeze had done, and he saw that it was good. And thus he rested and was never seen again...but his descendants are seen all over the world today, hiding behind refrigerators and bookshelves. They all hold back their sneezes, because they know the horror that was created the last time that a Dust Bunny sneezed. For although the Giant Dust Bunny saw what was good, the Little Dust Bunnies see what is horrific.
And this, is what was shown to me while I was packing up for forensics. I believe it to be truly divine. Now I know that the Catholics have been around for over 2000 years, and the Lutherans, Anglicans, Calvinists, Presbyterians, and congregationalists for about 500 years, the Baptist, Methodist, and Episcopalian for 400 or so, the United Bretheren, Disciples of Christ, Mormons, Salvation Army, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Christian Science for 213 years or less, and lastly the Four-Square Gospel, Calvary Chapel, Harvest Christian, and Saddleback Church (I don't even wanna know about that one...) have been around for less than 100 years, but I really think that I have finally found the one and only truth. There truly was a Big Bang...but it was accompanied by the Major Meltdown and the Cosmic Collision. There is no God, other than the Giant Dust Bunny that sneezed everything into existence.
See, friends, it is not hard to come up with a story on how the world came into being. This story of mine is every bit as accurate as the Big Bang theory. More so, really. See, I accounted for much more. I gave how the Big Bang happened, just not how that tiny speck of dust came into existence. There is truly no logical explanation for how the world came into being. In all cases, there was something at the beginning. At least in Christianity, that something had the power to create other things. That is the fault with the Big Bang theory. Bit Bangs destroy things, explosions break down, they do not build up. There can be no comprehension of how some sort of gas found its way into the nothingness, collided with itself, and created a giant collection of rocks (planets), liquids (rivers, oceans, lakes), fires (stars, the sun), and sludge. Now, even if I could believe that little dose of sanity, what is the sludge for? Oh, well that is simple, that sludge over the years changed form until certain party of it became Cherry Trees and other parts became Persian cats, while still OTHER parts of it became you and me. Preposterous. There has to be a creator of it all. And I am here to tell you, today, that that creator is the Giant Dust Bunny...*cough*...sorry, I meant the Lord our God.
